VERBAL PORTRAIT OF A CAT OWNER
(or Things I Have Said Twenty-Eight Thousand Times)
“… In or out, make up your mind!”
“Oh, for crying out loud it’s grapes! You don’t even like them!”
“What have you got in your mouth? Give it here! Give— great.”
“How on earth did you get all the way up there?”
“Um… whose whisker is this in my tea?”
“They’re baked beans! Beans! Not cat food!”
“Who’s a good kitty? You’re a good kitty! You’re the best kitty!”
“Off!”
*meow* “Meow!” *meow* “Meow!” *meow* “Meow!”
*sniff* “What’s that smel… oh. Oh god. That’s revolting.” *hork*
*yawn* “You have fish breath.”
“You DO realise that closing your eyes doesn’t make you invisible, right?”
“Boop!”
*purr* “Aw, so cute – ow-ow-ow-ow-claws-claws!”
“Get out of there!”
“For god’s sake it’s just water, not hydrochloric acid.”
“Jesus CHRIST it’s 3 in the fucking morning - it’s not breakfast time!”
“What happened to my shoelace?”
“Nawwww!”
“No-no-no-no-not-on-the-carpet-not-on-the— …for fuck’s sake.”
© mjc 23 January 2017
